Journeying With Wisdom

I’ve changed. Friends and family think they know me, but they don’t have a clue. 

I was me. I was a wife. I was a partner. I was consumed with positivity. I had dreams and aspirations. I laughed easily. I had control over my emotions. I had a longer fuse, maybe not all that long, but it took me way longer to lose it. I loved life. I knew I was blessed and thanked God every day through all my thoughts of gratitude. I loved being surrounded by the many photo frames, each telling its own story of love, life, and laughter. I was happy. I was me.
That’s who my loved ones remember. They remember me, as I was. That’s what they expect at our next reunion.

However, I’m stripped to the core. I’m no longer a wife, a loving partner. I’m a caregiver. Like a thief in the night, my dreams and aspirations were stolen from me. I avoid photos from happier times – been there, done that, now I must focus on what’s at hand. I am a caregiver. An inexperienced caregiver. Not by choice, yet still, I am a caregiver. A caregiver in disgust, and embarrassed at times.

I am a caregiver of someone I don’t know. There’s a person I disapprove of, dislike, and just want to run away from, inside my husband’s jacket. It’s the same skin, the same look, but a different person inside. One I would never have associated myself with. I am a caregiver in grief.

And that is who ninety-nine percent of my loved ones don’t know. They don’t see the struggle. They don’t see me losing control, getting frustrated, and impatient only to hate myself afterward. They don’t understand the pain of living with your hero but having to endure the stranger residing inside his body suit. I am a caregiver with guilt. 

It’s difficult enough to be a caregiver to a loved one. Being a caregiver to a stranger that is a contradiction of the morals and standards we’ve once shared, is, to say the least, an adjustment. I am a caregiver to that invader, fearing the unknown…

So, what does it mean? It boils down to this.

I was me. 

And then, …I remind myself of Jane Marczewski (Nightbirde) from her golden buzzer appearance on America’s Got Talent (AGT). . “You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before YOU decide to be happy.”  And I continue the fight to be ME. 

To all my fellow caregivers, let’s not lose ourselves. We can’t wait for life not to be hard anymore before we are happy. 

Let’s find the beauty in all the little things around us. Easier said than done, I know. But together we stand!

Photo Source: maggysquotes